Real Life

I'm back from a fantastic weekend in Venice, and apart from my complete adoration for the city, I have lots to share. I'm finally well rested after three weeks of a flu, and dare I say it, I'm energized!

For those of you who have visited Venice, you know that the city is ridiculous. I'm not entirely convinced that it's real. I think it's a ploy by Disney World to create a magical little city where people live on boats and bask in the glory of ancient architecture and beautiful churches. I knew that Venice had canals, but I always thought that it was like Amsterdam; loads of canals, but you still had to watch out for insane motorists. To my delight, Venice has zero streets, and thus zero cars. The canals are the streets, and the grand canal serves as the main boulevard. Even the "metro" is boats, which makes the metro system map kind of humorous.

There were boats up and down all of the canals, and we saw families putting back from the stores with their boats loaded up with goods, and "for sale" signs in the windshield. Another striking thing for me was that the buildings have main doors that open onto the canals. The canals are not just the back alleys, accessible only by the basement door, but they are accessed by the front doors as well. In fact, the fronts of most buildings face canals, and the doorways are just as ornate as any building in Europe.

The weather cooperated well, and it was surprisingly warm. Of course, anything would seem warm since it's been cold and rainy in Kassel for a few weeks. We had a brief teaser of sunshine a few weeks ago, but now we are back to the norm. Everyone says that the weather will get and stay nice tomorrow, but I'll believe it when I see it.

It was nice to be in the fantasy world of Venice, because I've been in kind of a funk recently. Thinking back on my time in Paris, I really enjoyed it of course, but it had a strange effect on me. Spending time with Jenna and Dave was something I really needed, and it was nice to be with old friends and laugh and joke. My friends are like giant prozac pills for me. But it was also a snap back to reality, back to my real life. I know that I am living a bit of a fake life here. I am working hard and trying to be a good student, but a student's life is always a bit unreal. I sleep late a lot, I stay up late, I travel, and I've made tons of friends, not one of whom knew me in the US. My life has changed a lot, and I have changed. My values are the same of course, but I look at life, and my future differently. It's easy to get swept up in that, and float along in my little Kasselarian bubble, not thinking about a return to the US. Being with Jenna and Dave put me back into a situation from my "real life" (albeit in Paris) and reminded me of what it was like. It reminded me of what was at home, waiting for me and moving on without me. I will return eventually, and it will be a shock I'm sure. I'll be leaving Kassel behind, and re-entering into a world that has changed while I have been changing. I knew this would happen, but what I didn't count on was how terrifying it would be to have a blank slate in front of me. When I left for Germany, I had plans for my return, and they were like a security blanket for me. When I was nervous or sad, I could think about the future I had laid out and I felt OK. Now that I don't have a set future, I sometimes feel like my security blanket has been ripped away, and I feel very very cold.

The challenge that I face is how to incorporate my current life into my real life. I love being here in Germany, and I'm learning so much, in and out of the classroom. My German is improving by leaps and bounds, and I love being able to speak and listen and remember things that I hear. Even more satisfying is that I can actually have conversations with people, and I don't struggle as much as I used to. In fact, today I had a job interview... in German. Yes, a job interview. I have been offered a job in the research center that runs my masters programme, and the opportunity is incredibly exciting. The project is very international, and is a topic that I would love to learn more about. The only catch is that I would have to stay in Kassel until 2012. That is a full two years longer than I planned, and it marks a definite switch between studying abroad and living abroad. I'm not opposed to living abroad; on the contrary, I have always wanted to. But here? Now?? Me?? It's daunting to be faced with this decision, and even more daunting to have three days to decide. I know this is an exciting door that is opening, but to do this would require closing other doors that I'm not sure I'm ready to close yet. Am I really ready to make this my real life?

I was once told that I should make decisions that would bring me closer to where I really wanted to be in life, and I've always thought that was very sage advice. But the process is a bit more challenging when you're no longer sure where you want to end up.

I suppose that's what real life is all about.