A Blue Christmas

Time has been rolling along here in Kassel, and it's been difficult for me to keep up sometimes. I start my next module in ten days, and I've barely started my paper for the last module. It was so difficult to settle on a topic and find resources, I ended up changing my topic yesterday. I have a good idea of how this paper will go so I'm not terribly concerned, but it's daunting to have just one week to write it.

I'm also a little bummed about the structure of my program in general. It was advertised on the website that the modules could be completed in one year or one and a half. I was ambitious and I hoped to complete all the modules in one year, but ever since I've been here, anytime I mention that to any of the professors or administrators they tell me that it is not a good idea and I should not do it. Why do they advertise that it's possible then? I had a plan, based on one year of classes, and I'm realizing that I may not be able to do that. I didn't anticipate being here for a year and a half (or more), and I don't know if I can. Not just financially or logistically, but mentally either. I'm doing OK here, in fact better than OK. But I won't be able to visit home at all, and it's hard. I miss my family and my friends and my dog and my boyfriend and oreos and CVS and chocolate chip cookies. I can certainly survive, and thrive, without those things for a year or so, but I had a plan and now I don't know when I'll be able to go home. It's a hard pill to swallow.

I should be getting excited about the holidays, and I am a little bit. The Weinachtsmarkt (Christmas market) opened here in Kassel last week. It's an incredible sight, and I've been watching them build it for weeks. There are two main squares in the City Centre, right next to each other, and the market fills up both of the squares. Everything you could possibly imagine is there: huts for beer, roasted nuts, bratwurst, coffee, chocolate, cakes, popcorn, candy, sweaters, ornaments, slippers, mugs, toys, wood carvings, candles and honey. Plus ferris wheels, merry-go-rounds, petting zoos and miniature trains. The market opens in the evening, and it is filled with people. There are couples and families and groups of young teenagers wandering through the aisles, and musicians playing traditional Christmas music. It's really beautiful, and incredibly festive. I walked through part of the market on my own last night, and it had a strange effect on me. I love the Christmas season more than any time of year, and it was so nice to be surrounded by all the merriment. But at the same time, it felt so out of reach and so foreign. I have bought a few small decorations for my room, but it's not practical to buy very much since I can't really bring it all home. I miss having a space to decorate with MY decorations, and I miss the anticipation and preparation with my family and friends. As I walked around the Christmas market, surrounded by so many happy German revelers, I felt incredibly alone. I do have friends in Kassel and I will continue to make friends, but I have a lot of time on my own. Mostly it is nice alone time, but sometimes it is lonely. I love being here and I'm so grateful for all the new opportunities, but I am in a foreign country where I know very few people, I don't speak the language and my surroundings are often unfamiliar. That can wear on a person sometimes and for me, the Christmas season is a time when I feel just a little out of place and the pangs of homesickness hit.

I think though, that sadness, loneliness and a feeling of disconnectedness are part of the whole experience. It's important to have these feelings, as long as it isn't constant. Being abroad isn't all lollipops, bunnies and sunflowers. It's hard, it's stressful, and it's wonderful because of that, not despite that. I might be lonely and sad now, and I didn't anticipate how difficult it would be to be away from home for the holidays. But it's part of this episode that is my graduate studies in Germany. I know that in the end, I'll be a better person for it, but it sure is tough right now.

That said, I sure would love to get some Christmas cards and cookies in the mail.